When sport turns ugly
Amanda Beard, the US Olympic swimmer, made a recent "business decision" that had her male fans high-tailing it for the newsagent well ahead of the world record pace set by Beyonce's Sports Illustrated cover.
After dipping the toe in the water with downright saucy photoshoots in mags like FHM, Beard discarded the speedos entirely for Playboy (I only read it for research purposes), giving malekind cause to unite as one and celebrate the true beauty and meaning of sport.
It attracted a smattering of controversy, with the usual claims of exploitation, but mostly it was a resounding "you go girl!" from the sporting fraternity, and not just because it gave us here at Spray HQ a legit excuse to Google her for images and pass it off as work.
Beard's got it, so why not flaunt it? She should count herself lucky. For every blessed specimen of sports flesh like Beard and Maria Sharapova, there's a back catalogue of stars who shouldn't be holding their breath waiting for the phone to ring with offers of modelling shoots in tropical locations.
I was watching the All Blacks the other week and the camera panned down the side, past Dan Carter - a man so smoulderingly handsome he can impregnate women through the TV with a mere wink - to Chris Jack, a battle-scarred warhorse who looks like the Pasha Bulka ran aground on his face.
I'm loathe to use the word ugly - we're all beautiful in our own little ways. Saying that, without being overly callous, I'm sure you'd agree some athletes have slightly less, um, aesthetic appeal than others.
Balmain Tigers great Garry Jack is one man who admits his misfortune. He got uglied up during his career, courtesy of a sort of reverse Extreme Makeover at the hands of Ian Roberts, and duly took him to court for ruining his chances at snaffling up a Clinique for Men contract once his playing days were over.
There's plenty to choose from, but here are some of my personal favourite sporting mingers from around the globe (you kinda have to click on the image link or it won't work at all).
Murali - Great spinner, suspect action, incredibly suspect dentist.
Gheorge Muresan - Muresan was a seven foot seven behemoth for the NBA's Washington Wizards who hailed from Dracula country in Romania. I know which one of the two gives me nightmares.
Jennifer Capriati - Maybe harsh, but she looks soooo, soooo American. I admit I can't really qualify that any further.
Paul Scholes - Manchester United ginger ninja who looks like he'd glass you for your pint money as quick as he'd bury a loose ball in the back of the net.
Sam Cassell - Sam Cassell is a veteran NBA guard who truly does resemble a creature from another planet. Has a strange bulbous head obviously evolved to house his clever basketball brain. Features heavily in "ugly athlete" blogs on the net.
Phar Lap - Well sure he looked good when he won the Melbourne Cup, but a young Red Terror was a skinny, ugly colt with warts that nobody wanted to touch with a barge pole. Grew out of it though, to his credit.
Ronaldinho - The football wizard looks a lot like a Star Trek character called a ferengi , but without the giant ears.
Nikolai Valuev -The Beast from The East, a Russian heavyweight boxer, is a truly abstract human. His head looks like the first draft of a bad sculpture by a blind man and he has a lavish coat of body hair that would make Lassie jealous.
Cameron Ling - Slightly unfair because I've possibly put the Geelong spiritual leader in on the basis he's a red-nut, but I'm basing my ranking on some dude who's gone to the bother of putting an entire You Tube presentation together of the AFL's worst lookers. A Monday must-see.
Jaromir Jagr - The ice hockey legend probably isn't too bad but I couldn't resist running this photo. The mullet to end all mullets.
Scottie Pippen - The fact the former Chicago Bulls superstar has a small army of children to different women in the US is even more impressive given his equine appearance. Hey Scottie, why the long face?
So who have I left out?
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